Tuesday, January 29, 2008

lacerate eviscerate and perforate and mutilate we all fall down all fall down

Snippets of conversations overheard in various Old Navy stores between Amber and me:

Oh! Look at that seed stitch cardigan!
It's a bulky weight cotton.
That'll stretch out of shape in no time.
I'd do it in Aurora Bulky.
Ooh, that would work well.

Here's a nice cabled yoke pullover.
Feel all of that acrylic!
Doesn't this remind you of the Citrus Yoke Pullover?
That's where I've seen it before!

Why did they have to make this sweater with bell-shaped three-quarter length kimono sleeves?
To make it uglier?

...and so on. People overhearing us, well. They thought we were a little crazy.

Monday, January 21, 2008

dressed in a robert hall sweater acting like a soap opera queen yeah she's so dull come on rip her to shreds

Here's the thing about losing significant amounts of weight when you're a knitter/crocheter.

Suddenly you realize that most of the projects you've been working on? Yeah, they won't fit you anymore. So. The Prepster jacket, which is 95% complete?
Yeah, I kinda might as well rip that out. Orangina, about 5% complete?
Frog pile. Silk camisole, on which I have only to do the i-cord straps?
I have more. It's disheartening, actually.

Friday, January 11, 2008

take it easy baby let them say what they will will your tongue wag so much when i send you the bill?

Sporadic posting, I know. I got shit goin' on. But I'll be in Atlanta on February 5th! For one day only! Just sayin'. If anyone is around and wants to see a depressed, neurotic, hyped up woman just out of divorce court and all (my first court date).

Also, I wanted to share the following: I bought jeans from The Gap today. Yes, you read that correctly. Jeans. Me. The Gap. And despite a terrible issue with customer service where my super sales helper people kept getting pulled away from me and moved to another floor in the middle of helping me, I found two pairs of jeans in two different "cuts" that fit and didn't look like complete ass that I bought.

I just want to ponder this, because do you know what this means?


If you're thin, probably not.

If you're a little big larger (such as me), you know that The Gap stopped carrying jeans in sizes larger than size 16 (thus disenfranchising a significant portion of the population and forcing us to hide at home and shop online and be more ashamed of our bodies, and have ONE MORE STORE where we have to say, "I can't even walk in there, nothing in that store fits me" but I'm not angry, no, I'm not bitter at all, just because we're limited to a tiny women's section in Macy's and Bloomingdale's, where, incidentally, everything comes in sizes with W appended, and I don't need the fucking 18W, it's too big for me, I need an 18, get that, a STRAIGHT 18, where the fuck are the 18 regulars? You think you're doing some kind of service, Ann Taylor? Jones New York? By making suits up to size 16 and then making sizes in W? What about those of us who don't merit the W? We don't exist or something? Because the Ws don't fit us correctly. The Ws are too wide on us. I'm not a W. The closest I come, when I'm an 18 regular, is a 16W. What the cock is that shit? The sleeves are a hair too short, and everything is a hair too wide, but hey! we have to make everything wider for the bigger gals, even if we're just proportionately bigger all over. Why the fuck do you have to be such douchebags?) a long time ago.

So what this means, if you haven't guessed already, is that my heart attack diet has gotten me down to a size 16.

Yep. I've lost about 72 pounds since May, and 25 since I started my new job in September. All because I no longer have an appetite.

I don't recommend this diet to anyone, but I can't really argue with the results.

I can buy clothes at The Gap!

Also, I don't think I'll ever buy clothes at The Gap ever again. I hate them. They're total assholes. I don't need to deal with that shit. But the point is, I could buy clothes at The Gap if I wanted to buy clothes at The Gap.