Thursday, November 20, 2008

put it away you can't take it away 'cause i won't give it away

How to get new bookcases:

1. Do nothing for over a year. Leave everything either still packed, or, when it comes time to unpack things, dump the box on the floor as necessary. Claim that it's not possible to clean because you have no furniture, and therefore nowhere to put anything.

2. When your manager offers you four bookcases from her flooded out basement in July, accept them eagerly, because you have no furniture, and you really, really need furniture, so you have somewhere to put things.

3. When it rains really hard three weeks after the offer and you still haven't gotten around to schlepping over to your manager's house to get the bookcases, and your manager tells you that one of the bookcases is now broken due to the torrential downpour, tell her that it's a sign that you were only meant to have three bookcases.

4. Plan to get the bookcases that weekend.

5. Discover that every available large vehicle in a 250 miles radius is booked that weekend.

6. When your manager tells you that her daughter has taken one of the remaining bookcases, tell her that's fine, and that it's a sign that you were only meant to have two bookcases.

7. Three weeks later, be too unable to get it together enough to get the damn bookcases.

8. Determine (six weeks later) that you ABSOLUTELY WILL get the bookcases when your manager is in Ireland.

9. Go over to your manager's house to look at the bookcases before your manager is in Ireland.

10. Walk the yard with your manager's husband to discover the big hole where he sprained his ankle to ensure that you will not sprain your ankle while you get the bookcases while he and your manager are in Ireland.

11. Realize on Thursday afternoon that your manager and her husband are due back from Ireland tomorrow and that you still haven't gotten the damn bookcases.

12. Tell #11 to a coworker and friend who is convinced the bookcases will fit (one at a time) in the trunk of her sedan and that you will move the bookcases (one at a time) tonight, Thursday, after work, despite the fact that you are (I am) wearing a sexy little tweed minidress with tights and 2" heels and she is wearing silk slacks and a silk shirt and a blazer with 2" heels.

13. Leave work really late with said coworker and get stuck in horrendous Virginia traffic after work, so as to not arrive to the manager's house until about 8 PM. Do not change clothes. Do not remove work ID badges. Do not dress warmly in the 30 degree weather. Do not take time to use the restroom. Do call and leave message on manager's home machine on the way, just in case, stating that bookcases are being taken. Do remember to grab an industrial sized flashlight from work. Sneak around the side of the house, which has been empty for two weeks, with your industrial sized flashlight. Watch the neighbors turn on their lights and come outside to watch you. Remove tarps from bookcases. Measure. Go back to car. Measure inside of trunk. Go back to side of house with flashlight. Measure again. Remove shelves from bookcases. Carry shelves to car. Open trunk and lower car seat. Leave trunk open. Carry bookcase around side of house to trunk of car. Wrestle bookcase into car. Realize bookcase will not fit into car trunk by 1/2". Realize that five neighbors are watching by this time. Giggle madly. Try not to giggle loudly enough so that gawking neighbors can hear. Wrench bookcase out of car trunk, where by this time it is wedged in. Carry it back around the side of the house. Put tarp back over it. Drop brick on head in process. Guffaw out loud. Run to car. Realize left industrial sized flashlight stolen from work at the scene of the crime. Get out of car and run back to collect evidence. Run back and get in car, taking only shelves. Laugh like loons on the way out of the subdivision, calling manager's voicemail back and leaving a message sounding something like: "Uh, hi, uh, hahahahah (shhhhh stop laughing) so uh we weren't heheh (shhh) we are really good records managers? hahahahahaa but really bad thieves? because your neighbors were watching us trying to take the bookcases and were almost ready to (stop laughing you're going to make me laugh again!) call the police on us and uh, we failed at stealing the bookcases although we did take the shelves, there was an incident with um, space planning, which, uh, i guess hahahaaha means we're actually really bad records managers now that i think about it but uh so we'll be back on saturday after we've revised our space planning a bit, okay so ktxbai hahahah." (Realize police car passing you is probably the one one of the neighbors called on you.)

14. Stop at nearest restaurant. Order and drink three dirty martinis and a filet mignon.

15. Go home. Bring four wooden planks upstairs.

You now have shelves, of a sort.

5 Comments:

Blogger Stimmy7 said...

So, if you had kept the brick that dropped on your head, and gotten 5 or 7 more matching ones, you could have used the boards (shelves) along with the bricks (bricks) and made a set of 70s shelves.... aka a bookcase!!

har har har good story =)

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Imbrium said...

You forgot step 16: put it on the internet.

That's totally awesome.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

Wahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Artsygal said...

Other than the whole minidress bit (I wouldn't be caught dead in one for anything.. and for good reason, it's a scary sight!) I find myself in similar situations more often than I care to admit!

1:18 AM  
Blogger Trixie said...

Wait until the neighbors post it to YouTube because they were videotaping for the police... but found it too funny and decide to post there instead...

2:30 PM  

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