Thursday, August 31, 2006

eight eight i forget was eight was for

Here's my rant, which I guess can be part of Fuck Off and Die Thursdays.

1. To the guy in the hallway today: Dude, I know you're not thin. I'm not thin myself. But when you walk with two other not-thin people such as yourself, don't fucking walk abreast down the hallway, as slow and molasses in January in upstate New York (keeping in mind that some people are in the midst of summer in January), thereby preventing people who walk at a normal pace, albeit with a broken foot, to pass you or, I don't know, get to their fucking meetings on time.

2. To the two bitches behind me on Sunday's flight: I don't care how wasted you got last night, or who you fucked, or how you *really* want those Manolo Blahniks but can't afford them, or how you are watching "Sex and the City" in DVD, or how Charlotte at work said she wanted to move to Texas and you didn't know that about Charlotte. Just please, for the love of FSM, KEEP YOUR FUCKING VOICE DOWN. When I'm not yet at 10,000 feet and therefore can't turn my iPod on, I want peace and quiet.

3. To my ex-roommate: Stop fucking calling me.

4. To Delta: The fact that a seat in COACH will cost me an extra $650, on TOP of the $50 change ticket fee and the $250 I already spent on a ticket, makes me wonder why you aren't already bankrupt. The seat is empty. I would've paid $100 to get on it. Instead, you're out $100.

5. To my brain: Please try to get organized. And stop fucking up on Orangina. And the socks you were making. And everything else.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

outside of society they're waiting for me

I don't know that I've ever been that hungover for that long before. Even that first time in high school when I got drunk after being in that play at DJ EJ's house. So last night we had Karida's birthday swanky soiree at Heritage India where I once went with Lauren. I think we had the same waiter. In fact, I always get the same waiter everytime I've gone there. Why does he get to keep his job? He sucks and blows goats as a waiter. Anyway, dinner was nice and Alissa came back to town! Yay! And we got to admire the Kama Sutra purple penis drawings in the ladies room.

Ellie, Jess, Karida, Alissa, Libby
And I've now frogged the second side of Orangina three times. No, maybe four.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

what i really love is my scotch it's the power the power of positive drinking

Words of advice:

Don't go drinking on an empty stomach at 10 PM on a school night and drink something along the lines of five beers and expect to not be hungover in the morning.

Cuz I'm here to tell you, it's a pipe dream.

Eggs. What I wouldn't do for some eggs.

Monday, August 28, 2006

don't touch my breast i'm just working at my desk

And since I'm at work, a quickie:

The winner of the contest is Imbrium, who is completely fucking insane and went back through my archives and made a complete count of whose lyrics I quoted and how many times and sent me an email listing the people I had quoted twice, narrowed it down to the people who were touring a few years back, and made a singled out guess of Cyndi Lauper, which was wrong, but since the correct answer was in her original e-mail, she wins anyway.

And the correct answer was "Weird" Al Yankovic. Which if you knew my twisted sense of humor you'd realize that the second time I quoted him was the day before I announced the contest.

However, I did say there'd be multiple winners. After all, this was an excuse to get rid of yarn, etc. If you entered, you win something. Send me your snail mail address for the spoils (I will send you each an email as well). I will say that everyone who entered at least guessed people I had seen in concert.

Friday, August 25, 2006

happy birthday burnsie happy birthday to you go to hell you old bastard

While you're wishing Sandy a happy birthday, wish Karida one as well...

(Why, yes, that IS The Ramones, from "The Simpsons," and I know I'm not the only one who knew it.)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

i wish i could have what i had before like a star wars poster on my bedroom door

Is it easier to do this in fair isle or the cocksucking instarsia?

Speaking of the cocksucking instarsia, I am hoping that, since I moved last night, I'll be able to find the Wobbly Circles tote in the cocksucking intarsia I was working on. And finish it.

The move went well. Because I called psycho roommate on her phschoness and asked her what the fuck her problem was and she burst into tears. She was docile. I had shamed her. I am a total bitch. I felt good about it, actually.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

run run run run run run run away

My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho. My roommate is a psycho.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

as you get weaker it will get harder

I hate waking up at 3 AM on a morning where I already called in late to work because I wanted to sleep in and umm. Pack. Because my way of packing involves reading two books for every one thing I put in a suitcase. And I move tomorrow night.

I so need help.

So, a weird thing. I realized that while my contest is ongoing, I shouldn't quote someone whose lyrics I've only quoted once, because that would be, like, confusing. I also shouldn't quote anyone I've quoted twice. So I hope you're ready for either some new artists or long time artists (because really, we all know my favorite band is The Clash and that I quote them like, 50% of the time at least).

And on that note, let me just say that the new OutKast is out. I'm excited. Yeah, it isn't all punk here on the couch. I know it mostly is. But not all. After all, I got seven hits just yesterday from someone searching for The Roots lyrics. Dude, here's a clue. Instead of searching for "i don't ask for much these days," why not try "roots seed 2.0 lyrics"? Just a thought. Although it was a nice break from the monotony of

casting couch photos
teens fucking on the casting couch photos
fucking on the casting couch photos sammy
cocksucking casting couch pictures
fuck me on the casting couch
starlets fucking sucking cock casting couch

and I don't know who Sammy is, either. Other than my late beagle. And necrophilic bestiality isn't my thing. (Oh, come on, like my search hits could get any worse with the name of my fucking blog. Sheesh.)

Monday, August 21, 2006

rainy days rain cool wine i'll scratch your back if you scratch mine

For One Word Mondays:


Sunday, August 20, 2006

it's been one week since you looked at me threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy

Since I spent all weekend knitting Orangina, to the point where my hands are cramping up and I'm getting a callus on the inside of my right middle finger from the really fucking not soft Rowan 4 Ply Cotton, and at some point for about twelve hours I had to stop and knit on the silk (or as I call it in the obviously drunken post, "silok,") cami and hey! I acually got to the decreases but there was no room in my bag to bring it with me so I'll have to wait until next weekend to finish it, wow, this sentence is really long, so I decided to show a progress update on Orangina
but that doesn't really show how long it is so here it is held up to the buit-in iSight camera in my computer
but that doesn't show how long it is either so here it is in comparison with my giant honking US size 11 European size 42 broken foot, which has bandage gook on the bandage, I'm not really a dirty person, or maybe I am but that's not what that dirt is.
Remember to enter my contest. In honor of my two year anniversary. Which is today.

Friday, August 18, 2006

i feel so lame obsessed with the beauty contest

Erika asked me tonight what I thought about the JonBenet situation, and I responded with, "Thank goodness, I can finally sleep at night."

And this is a nice segue into the contest. "Why are you throwing a contest?" you may ask. Go ahead, ask. Out loud.

A few reasons, really.

1. I am moving next week. Yes, next week. Yes, that's a short turnaround time. No, I haven't begun to think about packing. No, I won't be in DC this weekend. Why do you ask?

2. I want to celebrate the fact that I'm moving.

3. I want to celebrate my leaving behind the insane roommate.

4. I want to celebrate saving money by my cheaper rent.

5. Sunday marks two years since I began this blog.

6. I have so much fucking yarn I don't know what to do with it.

So. This will be a one week long contest. It's a hard one.

Two weeks ago this coming Sunday, Karida and I saw (with another friend of Karida's) The Pretenders in concert. You may have figured out by now that I kinda dig music. If you haven't here's a clue: my post titles (for the past nine months or so, anyway) are song quotes. That I don't Google.

In any case, before I saw The Pretenders it had been over two years since I had seen a concert. A paid concert. That I planned on attending and got all excited about and all that.

Who did I see in concert?

Send an e-mail to thetigerwoman andthatsignabovethenumber2 gmail andaperiod com with your guess.

You may enter as many times as you want.
Contest closes at 11:59 PM, Friday, August 25, 2006.
In the event of multiple correct guesses (hah!), there may be multiple winners. Unless there are like a hundred. Cuz that's just crazy.
In the event of no winner, I'll take the most creative guess as a winner.

Hint: I've quoted the songs on my blog, but only twice.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

i met him in a swamp down in dagoba where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda

I know I'm gonna regret this, but...I signed up for Sock Wars. Does this remind anyone else of the Sifl and Olly Show?

Stay tuned for a contest...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

i think you're crazy i think you're crazy i think you're crazy just like me

Yesterday morning my roommate announced that I needed to help clean the apartment. I haven't yet told her I'm moving. So she started babbling about having to vacuum (rooms I don't go into, because she's piled them high with books, magazines, broken mirrors and the like and furniture I can't sit on because my fat ass would break it if I tried to sit on it) and clean the oven (that I don't even know how to use because it's weird) and the bathroom (which I've cleaned before and then an hour later she's cleaned it again because apparently I don't meet her exacting standards of cleaning). I pretty much ignored her and walked out, because I was late for work and not in the mood.

Last night, when I got home, she had scrubbed all of the aforementioned rooms and taken everything out of them.

Including the toilet paper.

That she now apparently hoards in her room and brings with her to the bathroom and removes again when she goes back to her room.

The only reason I haven't told her I'm moving yet is that my room is pretty much a sty. But you know, I don't give a fuck. I'll e-mail her today.

When I get to work, so she can't hassle me.

Monday, August 14, 2006

oh she was so good and oh she was so fine

dddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuun k i think and um. gonmna move but havent told the roommate yet. a smaller plqace different neighborhood i think illn be happy there

Sunday, August 13, 2006

just lookin' for fun i'm only looking for fun

Hey, look! I made enough of Orangina to make a wide headband!

if i come and go like fashion i might be great tomorrow but hopeless yesterday

I'm giving in and trying my hand at Orangina. I've had to restart it six times already, but here's my progress right now:
It's strangely addictive. I'm doing it in the called-for Rowan 4-ply cotton, which is *ahem* currently on sale (40% off!), along with other Rowan, Jaeger and Nashua summer cotton yarns, at Stitch DC.

Friday, August 11, 2006

it was a cool and lovely breezy afternoon how does it feel when you've got no food

I love Gus.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

do you like me vulnerable i'm armed and i'm equal

Well. So I went to the doctor today and I have three sprains in addition to my break so I have to give up seeing The Man Who Lives in the House this weekend and I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone with Delta to change my ticket and homey Indian guy was like "I must inform you that there will occur to be an additional collection" (imagine this coming from Apu) and I had to make him repeat it and I said, "Oh! You mean an additionaL FEE!" and the guy was all embarrassed like I had CAUGHT HIM being all Indian. Like I couldn't fucking tell already?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

i don't ask for much these days and i don't bitch and whine if i don't get my way

Umm. Beer before I ate all day today. Guinness at that. I am replete. Making a simple dimple scarf. It's so beautiful and mindless. One skank of Manos, two of Cracksilk Haze in coordinating shades. Ribbed for her pleasure.

I made a big decision today and I can't go back on it. I hadn't really thought about it but it was what came out of my mouth when I was giving the decision, so I guess maybe it was the right thing to do. Some might disagree. I know many would disagree. But I had to do what was right for me, not for them. I can't go backwards and I can't go back to what I was. I'm not that person anymore.

My broken foot hurts. For the record, I have no fucking clue how I broke it.

I think I'm a narcissist. I want to stop that.

I like this list of the best government document titles ever. It makes me laugh.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

gabba gabba we accept you we accept you one of us

Random musings:

I broke my foot. It sucks. And it's itchy.
I got a haircut. and had it dyed. I think I like it but I'm not used to it yet.
Libby and a friend long ago nicknamed a hot guy "Fucky McFuckme in my Vagina."
Umm. Sleep.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

let down and hanging around crushed like a bug in the ground

I finished crocheting the second sleeve of Prepster last night, and took my time seaming it. I seamed the shoulder sleeves, in a glorious example of how to seam.

And then I seamed the set-in sleeves.

I have a giant lumpy mess. And I can't get the pictures to show up so I can't show you how horrific it all looks.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

the colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

I've been wanting to make these socks since I first saw them. Friday, I got yarn for my next small project. Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock in Rainbow. These socks will be known as Judy.

Friday, August 04, 2006

it hurts so bad that i'm never gonna drink again

Do you think the fact that my left foot feels like it's, err, broken, actually, is really being caused by my current hungover state? Is it possible I did a massive injury upon myself whilst imbibing last night that I can't recall? Because I remember everything that happened last night.

At least, I think I do.

Maybe I'm just having sympathy pains with Rabbitch.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

but we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy

Drive-by update:

1. Ballet tee still looks like a bucket of boiled ass. Do I frog it? Accept it and wear only under suit jackets to work? Put it on a mannequin somewhere for permadisplay? Donate it to Goodwill? Give it to someone who wants it?

2. I stole the crazy roommate's fan from the living room last night, and took a cold bath before bed. The fan was excellent at moving around the hot air to make it feel like a vent of heat blowing on me.

3. The potential new roommates are being wishy-washy about my moving in.

4. My crazy roommate is a bit suicidal and now I really feel like I can't move out.

5. Everything else continues to go to hell.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

i want to take you through a wasteland i like to call my home

So, when it's 104 degrees outside, and the heat index is like, 115, and you live in a 7th floor apartment with windows facing north and east that got full sunshine all day, and no fan and no air conditioning, well, it's like, impossible to sleep. Were it not for Ellie and her suggestion to take a cold shower last night before bed, I wouldn't have slept at all. I actually went to sleep at about 11 and woke up at 1:30 and took a cold bath, and was able to sleep through until 6.

And it's supposed to be worse today. Gee, I look forward to going home tonight.

And does anyone else think that the fact that my desk at work has all of the A/C in four buildings directed on my head so I freeze all day long is something that will make me sick? The extreme cold to the extreme heat.