Wednesday, October 19, 2005

in the continuing saga of tammy and paul...

I am reposting the story in its current incarnation. Let's continue.

I'm surprised that you don't know Tammy and Paul, recently released after 37 years behind bars for deep-frying and eating their entire extended family.

With grits.

Of course this caused all kinds of heartburn and 37 years ago there were few of the new drugs available. So they cleaned up the dishes and went to the store in search of some Maloxx. Later witnesses would tell the jury how the couple casually discussed how salty the dish was and complaining about how to use the leftovers while picking out a lovely head of lettuce.

they were only discovered when a finger was found in the grease they ahd thoughtfully put out for the grease recyclers

At first it was assumed that this finger was planted by disgruntled Wendy's customers, hoping to score $50 worth of free chili, however further research revealed that in fact Wendy's restaurants had not yet been established, and the investigator, who was psychic, was seeing visions of future lawsuits.

At least, that's what the so-called "psychic investigator" claimed. He was really a con-artist, running a scam on innocent fast-food restaurants, finding future fault with something minor (usually something he himself planted on the scene)and then bribing restaurant owners and managers to not report on the findings. So when Joe the Phony Psychic Inspector planted a roach nest in the kitchen for future growth and turned around to leave, he was rather like the Psychic Inspector Who Cried Roach.

However, come to find out that Joe is really Paul's cousin. Paul called Joe in to take the heat off of him and Tammy. Paul and Tammy have now applied for a job on the "Praise the Lord" network. Watch your PBS channels.

paul has decided to channel jim baker, but tammy refuses to wear all that eyeliner. so we are unsure exactly which televangelist she's going to be. this may take some time.

Of course Paul and Tammy's recent discovery of "faith" was part of the reason they were paroled in the first place. It has been 37 years and their marriage is still going strong. There was a time there when they were considering seeing other people but neither is admitting that they strayed. This all seemed kosher until Marvin from Memphis came out on the Easter broadcast and explained how he first met the shower.

in Sing-Sing. The audience reaction to this revelation was interesting.

Formerly thought of as a "gays are evil" type of church community, suddenly the audience was embracing Marvin and Paul as a bonafide "couple." Turns out, the audience was composed of "ex" homosexuals.

as they were celebrating their "togetherness" and "individuality" a faction from Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition stormed the place, and there was machine gun fire, and flames, and screaming


Blogger dragon knitter said...

Paul and Tammy were able to duck out the back door, but joe got it between the eyes. While paul sobbed, tammy consoled him with the thought that god loves everyone, and that joe would be in heaven waiting for that heavenly menage a trois, with harp in hand

9:35 PM  
Blogger Rabbitch said...

And gravy. You just can't be southern without gravy and mint juleps and Tammy had those down in spades. She even had a waterproofed compartment in her purse for mint juleps, much like a wineskin but with mint, and a straw. She always carried a small bucket of gravy with her, in case of emergencies. She had, alas, sometimes been known to be deficient in the biscuit department, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Trixie said...

Now reformed Tammy no longer dreams of lady fingers, grits, and gravy. Nor does she dream of other body parts slathered in butter. Alcohol was part of the old equation but determined as she is the addiction to drink just can't be kicked. Paul is not nearly as reformed - he still dreams of the forbidden fruit of flesh - but he no longer acts out on these impluses. Joe had quite a bit to do with Paul's transformation. Alas Joe is no longer with us leaving open the question of "Will Paul Backslide into Eating Human Flesh Again ?"

12:34 PM  
Blogger Colette said...

paul till remembers the subtle flavors of biscuits and gravy made from uncle earl.

7:11 PM  
Blogger dragon knitter said...

this was the same earl that had to die (ala dixie chicks). so while paul & tammy had taken advantage of the windfall, they had guiltily sworn to never eat the forbidden fruit (or nut) again. alas, this was the days before paul found new love (joe) and new faith.

as paul and tammy reminisced about the delectable people they'd eaten (wasn't marie such a french tart? she made a tasty tart, at that!), they kept trying to remind themselves that they were born again, and that the pleasures of flesh were denied them. now, if they wanted to bust it like bunnies, that was ok, but eating cousin patsy was out.

9:37 PM  

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