Friday, October 14, 2005

despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage


For the sake of fairness in reporting, let me begin by saying that I am fairly majorly drunk at this moment in time.

And I expected to still be at work.

Instead, I am shivering in my apartment with no heat and no blankets, crying my eyes out.

How did this happen?

I know that many of you are oddballs. That's what makes you all my friends. I may have never met some of you in person, but we click, in some way. Those I have met in peron, I formed a deep and close bond with.

That saying, I have a lifelong problem of making friends with, as I was finally able to articulate tonight to another friend who does not fall into this category, white women.

Those white women who are my friends are oddballish enough to not have very many white women friends of their own, unless they are others of their ilk.

So here I am in DC.

I had a fucking shitty day. I am stressed to the max on a number of issues. Work, a possible work issue, a major work project due on oh, say, Tuesday. A meeting for which I wasn't prepared. I felt so guilty about my lack of preparation that I admitted it to my boss (The General). Who didn't much care. But I did. And then there's the whole Man Who Lives in the House thing. And a couple of people whom I thought were my friends blew me off today. And my toe now has a yeast infection. Yes, that will soon spread. (To guess where? Lovely. Already starting.) And my GI problems aren't any better with Cipro, which causes GI problems. Lovelier. Test results are in line with issues. I don't even know when I'll be back in DC again, and I haven't prepared myself to like, leave yet. This means I'll be at work tomorrow. My apartment room is a mess but I have no furniture here and no way to rectify that situation.

So after badgering and an evil plot by some to force me to leave work early, I did so and attended a happy hour in honor of a shelter. I was "invited" out of pity by a "friend" who, after I had told this friend I was exceedingly shy (I am) and I had trouble making friends with women, because they basically hated me (they do), left me to my own accord. Where I floundered for about an hour until The Man called and then I came back and floundered for possibly an hour more.

Nobody talked to me.

I tried to get into conversations, I was shot down.

I killed the conversations.

I was miserable.

I was noticing that these white women hated me.

I was about to cry and leave.

I tripped over a black woman, who became my new best friend in the world. Black women do not fall nto the category of "people who hate Rebecca." And suddenly, I was a worthy person again.

And then I left my new best friend, whom I had just met, and followed my original peeps to some other places where I was treated like a pariah, but this time in the sense of "Why are you opening your mouth to speak, Rebecca? Your words have no value."

So here I am, shivering and drunk and crying, wondering why I am such a lousy, anti-social person. And why peopoe don't like me.

I tried.


Blogger Janice in GA said...

Wow, what a crappy day. I've had my share of those, especially the ones where I feel like the Girl from Planet Weird. That would explain why I never fit in anywhere and have no friends and espeically why so much of human behavior is such a closed book to me.

Stress and ill-health exacerbate those feelings. So does alcohol. Is there any way to step back and take a deep breath and take a little break? It doesn't sound like it, with the work situation, but if you can, that might help. Let your body heal a little. Or just give yourself a mental break. Remember, your fellow Weirdians are few and far between, and we cherish our own. Don't let the Normals overwhelm you. :)

8:40 AM  
Blogger Laura.Y said...

I hate to say this, but we all get that from time to time from fellow females. Just mix with like minds. Just don't let them get to you. Chin up girl! My life is a pressure cooker right now and I'm facing quite a lot of crap at work lately so I understand and sympathize. Sending good vibes your way. ..:)

4:44 PM  
Blogger jodi said...

Yes, Laura is right. The experience you had happens to more people than you think. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Anyway, just wanted to delurk to say that, for what it's worth, I like you. Even if you do think cataloguing is better than reference (nobody's perfect). And also, since I moved to Georgia I've noticed that the crappiest people are white people. What's with that?

7:25 PM  
Blogger Zardra said...

This post sounds so familar to me. I definitely don't do well in groups of people I don't know; I always seem to open my mouth and say something out of left field that ends the conversation with people giving me looks as if to ask "Who let you out of the crazy house?"

Hope the crappiness lets you catch a breather soon.

4:19 PM  
Blogger LB said...

I feel you, completely (but not literally, obviously). I always feel uncomfortable at office-related gatherings, even though I have a few guy work friends to talk to, but the ladies ignore me. There was one cool girl in my office, but she quit.

At my high school reunion picnic I didn't talk to anyone, by choice mostly, but then when I went to leave the picnic an old soccer team mate stopped me to say hi. She told me that no one recognized me because my signature wild curly hair was short and straight that day (it was just dirty and pulled back).

We're all weirdo’s. We just have to find other like-minded female weirdo’s to hang out with, and we're out there, but most of us are really shy too so we're hard to find.

6:18 PM  

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