Sunday, June 25, 2006

im gonna pack me clothes leave at the break of dawn i'm gonna pack my clothes everybody will be sleeping nobody will know where i've gone

I once saw a pin that explains my current sentiments exactly:
Dear Aunt Em: Hate you, hate Kansas. Took the Dog. Dorothy
I can only adequately explain this through transcription of my conversations tonight.

Hotel: Thank you for calling Bad Section of Town Hotel. How can I direct your call?
Me: Hello, I need some assistance getting back to the hotel from the Plaza.
Hotel: Okay, did you get directions to go there from the front desk?
Me: Yes, and they were very clear and concise.
Hotel: Okay, well, just backtrack.
Me: Well, see, that's the problem. I came up Broadway and turned right onto 47th.
Hotel: So just turn left onto Broadway from 47th.
Me: There's no left turn there.
Hotel: And then take Broadway to I-35.
Me: But there's no left turn onto Broadway from 47th, so I was forced to turn onto Main Street.
Hotel: Well, you should have turned left onto Broadway.
Me: I couldn't. So I'm on Main Street.
Hotel: What direction are you going in?
Me: I don't know. There are skyscrapers in front of me.
Hotel: No, the skyscrapers have to be behind you.
Me: Uh, no they aren't.
Hotel: Are you near Pershing?
Me: Yes, I'm at Pershing.
Hotel: Take a right and then drive.
Me: Wait, take a right onto Pershing?
Hotel: No, take a right from Pershing onto Main.
Me: I'm on Main.
Hotel: Let me transfer you to the Kansas City Police Chief.
Me (terrified that I somehow broke the law in Kansas even though I know I'm still in Missouri): Uh, okay.
Chief: Where you at?
Me: Uh, Main and Persing?
Chief: Keep going on Main until you get to 12th. Turn left on 12th and right on Broadway. Get on I-70 East and get out of Kansas City, Missouri, and you'll see the sign for Kansas City, Kansas, and get off on the Minnesota Avenue exit.
Me: Thanks.

Ten minutes later:

Hotel: How can I direct your call?
Me: I called earlier and got directions, but I'm sure they weren't correct.
Hotel: Let me transfer you back to the police chief.
Chief: Where you at?
Me: Well, I couldn't go to 12th and Main because Main was closed after 16th, the road was torn up, and it forced me onto I-70 East. So I went on I-70 East for ten minutes but now I'm in the parking lot of the stadium where the Chiefs play, so I'm sure I'm not in the right place.
Chief: You need to get on I-70 West. Do not get off of I-70 West. Get off on Minnesota Avenue. Stay on I-70 West.
Me: Thanks.

Fifteen minutes later:

Hotel: How can we direct your call?
Me: I am the directions person.
Hotel: I'll get the chief.
Chief: Where you at?
Me: Well, I'm somewhere in farm fields.
Chief: You overshot it. Go back on I-70 East.
Me: There was no Minnesota Avenue exit, though.
Chief: Of course not, it's called 5th Street from that direction.
Me: Thanks for all of your assistance.

Five minutes later:

Pam, the new owner of Kenny G's Pizza and Pub on Park, who hasn't yet gotten the sign changed to say Pam's Pizza and Pub on Park: Okay, go one block up to 18th Street, take a left, take a right two blocks up onto Minnesota. You'll know it's Minnesota when you see the big Christ Church of the Jesus Hour. Take a right and go down Minnesota. You know you're close because the block before your hotel has the Church of Hope, two stripclubs, and a police station.

And five minutes later, after passing all of the aforementioned landmarks, I pulled into the hotel parking lot.


Blogger Ann said...

I truly believe that women are much better at directions when given landmarks...Don't give me that east and west shit..just tell me there's a this on that corner, a that on that corner and I can find it.

Is it ok that I giggled at your pain?


10:16 PM  
Blogger Rabbitch said...

I giggled too. I think that makes both of us bad people.

12:29 AM  
Blogger Mouse said...

Good god.. at least you finally got to the hotel! I've had enough trouble with people and directions this weekend myself to last a lifetime.

6:26 AM  
Blogger crazycatladymel said...

I heart Pam. This is how directions should be given*. I admire your tenacity... I would have been curled up in a ball sobbing by the time I hit the farmlands!

*I usually give directions like this, but hubby does NOT appreciate it.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Imbrium said...

Kansas City is IMPOSSIBLE to navigate...I can definitely sympathize.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Zardra said...


3:55 PM  
Blogger dragon knitter said...

my ex mother in law used to live in overland park, which is southwestern KC metro area, and it's a fucking bitch trying to navigate that city. at least tehy don't try to run you off the road.

sounds like your police chief was an effing idiot

11:44 PM  

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