the phantom slips in to spill blood even on the sweetest honeymoon

I'm going to be a little more personal, here, than I usually am, because I guess I'm a little more troubled right now than I usually am.

I know I've been a bit sarcastic or made references to the fact that dear Auntie Flo is the bane of my existence, and of late has not really gone away, but this has turned into a serious situation, and if anyone at all reading this someday (as if that's likely) can be helped, I'd rather say it than not.

I have always had irregular periods, since I started menstruating at twelve years old. Doctors have always pretty much said there's nothing that could be done for me, and eventually, I gave up on going to the doctor. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I have possibly the lowest self-esteem it's possible to have. I think there's a connection between health and self-esteem. After all, I don't think I'm worthy of being healthy, so I'm not worthy of going to the doctor when I'm sick.

So when I started yet another lengthy heavy period back in November (October?), I didn't think much of it. The fact that it was extremely heavy didn't worry me much. Heavier than usual, and I don't know if even any women out there could possibly understand how heavy I mean (and I'll spare the details). And months went by and I saw it as par for the course and stress-related and punishment for some imagined crime or something.

And eventually, I started feeling very sick and me, the workaholic, started missing work. And I missed significant hours of work during the month of April. And I felt too sick to suck it up and go in.

And I was poking around and I read indigirl's post about how she had similar health problems and saw a doctor and was frustrated but she saw a doctor anyway and I commented on her post and she wrote me back and encouraged me to go to the doctor even though I was frustrated.

And I stopped making excuses and I saw a doctor.

And I had tests done.

And, as it turns out, while I'm not entirely sure what is causing the heavy, ongoing periods yet, the blood loss is so significant, I need a blood transfusion. Next week, if not sooner. Because I am now lacking 50% of the blood in my body. And I am close to cardiac arrest. I can barely eat anything, or move, or sit up, and knitting is out. Because my heart wants to do as little as possible.

I haven't had the transfusions yet, and it might be too late for me. But it might not. I owe you, Amy. I might owe you my life. I definitely owe you my gratitude and sanity and a host of other things I am not talking about yet here.

Don't wait to go to the doctor. No matter how poor or low on self-esteem you feel. Don't wait until it's too late.

E2A:
To be clear, I don't *think* I'm going to die, but I don't see the doctor for a few days, and I'm at a critical stage now. It's hard for me to be Pollyanna, "I'm going to be okay!" when I feel so tired all the time and when I know that I am basically bleeding to death. I know I am close to the "cardiac arrest" point, but I don't know how close. Also, thanks for your support; I need it. I am kind of going through this alone, due to other circumstances in my life, so, uh, I appreciate the words.