if it's her you want i don't care about that you can have my girl but don't touch my hat

First, on the long list of absurdities from today, I wore a pair of designer slacks, which have a zipper in the back, which zipper I have had replaced three times, most recently last week, and I just picked them up from the cleaners today. So I get on the airplane and I fly to DC and I get off the airplane and I go to the restroom and I can't pull down the zipper because the mother fucker is broken god fucking dammit what the fuck am I going to do now I really need to go and now I know why the TSA guys in Atlanta were ogling me because I had to take my very long velvet jacket that covers up my ass off to go through screening and they must have seen my bright pink Oscar the Grouch panties (and does anyone else hate the word "panties?") that say "I Love Trash" on the ass with pictures of garbage all over the back.

At least I was wearing underwear today, which, honestly, is a rarity for me, I usually go commando.

So I somehow ripped my zipper apart and managed and figured I could ask permission from my boss to wear jeans on this emergency occasion and trust that he would not ask for more details because I could just say, "I wouldn't ask unless it were absolutely necessary."

Fuck. He probably thought I got my period. Great.

So I get into work and he's in a meeting for two hours so I waited and my coworkers walk by me and ask what the pink thing is they can see in the hole where the back of the chair doesn't meet the bottom of the chair and why do I have to sit in the one place where everyone can see me in the office? So they all saw my Oscar the Grouch panties too but luckily they're all chicks.

And now I'm wearing jeans but they're lowriders and my asscrack is showing anyway so really, what did I gain from this?

In the meantime, on the plane, the old guy in front of me decided to whip out his cell phone and turn it on somewhere over Greensboro and make a phone call. The flight attendant came over but he insisted this was an "emergency." The next words are to the person on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, hello? Do you sell hats? Yes? I'd like to order a hat, size 7 3/8." (taps the shoulder of the guy sitting in front of him) "They're all out of 7 3/8." (back to the phone) "Do you have 7 1/2?" (guy in front of him) "No 7 1/2." (phone) "How about 7 1/4?" (guy in front of him turns around) "My head is too big for 7 1/4, how about 7 5/8?"