Monday, May 22, 2006

i got a bowling ball in my stomach i got a desert in my mouth figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Dear Spanx:

I dearly love your products, particularly the power panties. I never have panty lines and I always look smooth and thinner underneath my suits. In fact, I don't think there's been a single day in the past 18 months when I haven't been telecommuting when I haven't worn your products. I do have one request, however. Do you think you could make the power panties for those of us who are bleeding like there's no tomorrow?

There I was, earlier tonight, sitting at my boss' desk, thinking that hey, since I was barely bleeding that my super plus tampon would do the trick for, oh, say, an hour.

Not so.

Suddenly I felt that gooey, warm and clammy gush, and I knew I was too late to save my Spanx and my brand-new pants. My only saving grace was that my pants were black, and my only hope was that I got up (awkwardly in mid-sentence and without explanation) and ran out the door before I got anything on his (covered in light-colored fabric) chair. I'm not quite sure I succeeded but I haven't had a chance to examine the chair, and I did make a mess all over myself.

How do I usually stop this from occurring, you ask? I refer you to last month's letter to Stayfree for an answer. However, with your products, I cannot wear any kind of pad or adult diaper or cloth-covered diaper or even a handtowel (excellent suggestions, by the way, if only I didn't bleed to much and my crotch normally looked like it was down to my knees, I'd be all over them). Plus, if you even attempt to put a something with "wings" on it in your power panties, you end up with one wing glued to the pubes, the back half twisted and folded up, the front half sideways, and an inability to ever be comfortable while you KNOW that you're going to bleed all over everything so what did all of that adjusting and careful planning come to anyway but for naught?

I'd like to suggest some kind of insert, or perhaps a special pair of power panties "for those days" - perhaps they could even feel more like the granny panties we all like to wear during "those days" while still holding in the bloat that's now added an additional ten pounds onto each of us.

I anxiously await your response, as I sit here in my granny panties, handtowel safety-pinned into place for the coming evening.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are we living together again? I ask because I too started yesterday. Ick.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

I, too, despise the wings. And have considered using adult diapers on occasion--like the times when the period arrives 1 day before spending the weekend on the in-laws' hide-a-bed.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Zardra said...

Have you seen the commercial for Stayfree's new pads? They show a woman at a party or something and she sneezes, then has a look of fear on her face. This is the way they advertise a pad that's supposedly good for bladder protection, too. 8-|

But, I saw the commercial and thought of your previous post. :D

4:47 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Sister, I feel your is up with our bodies doing those terrible twisted things to us at the worst time. I have done the jump up from the chair dance myself more than a few times.

You know when you upgrade to beach towel it is time to make a visit to the doctor. I waited until I got to the life raft stage...


9:55 PM  
Blogger dragon knitter said...

that REALLY SUCKS ASS. i mean, seriously. it's days like that that make you grateful they designed black into outerwear. and i've been hearing about these spanx. i may have to investigate further (i've got a wedding dress to get into, and no weight loss in sight, sigh)

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Imbrium said...

Should we start knitting you dishtowels? ;)

10:44 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I believe we can all compare notes on this one....I hate the wings...I hate the glue on the bottom of the pads...and I think they should come back with the old kind with the belts that surprisingly enough, didn't seem to move as much....

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laugh in pain because why can't you (we) wear a tampon without the pad. I thought that was the purpose of the tampon. Needless to say I think anonymous, you , and I are living parallel lives because mine started on Tuesday and I am not even in the same time zone.

2:50 PM  

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